Lazurus

I will make a WARNING now that what follows is not is any way game related. You have been warned.

There are times when the world should simply stop spinning and let you get off.

I knew this was a year for changes. Most of them I looked forward to in some way or another. Even if I am incapable of embracing change with grace, I know when something is good for me.

If it’s so good for me though, does it have to hurt so badly?

You ever made one of those decisions that you just kick yourself in the ass for. *Raises her hand*

It's been a weekend from hell. Yet somehow not. I am not sure how to explain it.

Pain is the greatest of all taskmasters. I ran up against a huge dose of it this weekend.

I had let myself fall off the cliff about someone. I mean tipped right over the edge. I made significant changes to my life, shifted my thinking and let the joys of tomorrow be a living presence in my everyday.

Let me say now this is really no ones fault, so I am not placing blame here. It's like that favorite pair of shoes you've been eyeing for months and you finally buy them. You've stared at them, dreamed of wearing them, couldn't imagine walking away without them and then you put them on. They don't fit right, are uncomfortable and all the want in the world isn't going to make them the shoes you thought they were.

So we both found out that, corny as it may sound, we really are just better off as friends.

The sharp stab in my chest will go away eventually. I've been here before. I probably will be again.

The fire burned right up over me. Nice thing about fire is it’s a great equalizer. Its burns everything, not just a specific target.

I am nice. I am obsessed with thinking I am too nice. I have often wondered if I wouldn't get blasted so heavily by life's little oppsies if I were a little tougher, a little less giving and just a whole hell of a lot more selfish.

I am not though. I am not going to be. I am simply me. A new me this morning. Introspective, worried, loving and looking at the rain falling outside my office window and thinking God read my mood and gave me thunder and lightening and torrential tears.

It isn't what I thought, its isn't what I hoped, but by gods it’s what I needed.

I have always been told I am strong. Sometimes that means strong willed. :) Not always a positive thing unless tempered by kindness.

Emotionally I hurt horribly for the lost dream of what could have been. I am also really glad I am who I am. I may doubt myself sometimes, I may get dark and broody and scare the people who care about me, but I have a steel backbone, a beating heart and a wistfulness that one ending is a new beginning.

I am blabby. I warned you it was less then Gamer Girl today. I am going to go watch my rain and let my tears fall.